happy birthday, mum

My mother would have turned sixty-six years old, today. I can’t even imagine.

I felt that loss, today, working its way from the back to the front of my brain. I miss that woman. More so, I miss what we could have had. At sixteen, there was a lot I didn’t appreciate or understand. It still hurts that I never will get to experience an adult relationship with my mother. I have changed so much. I feel that hurt on her birthday more than I did on Mother’s Day, more than I did on the anniversary of her death.

I don’t remember how we celebrated her last birthday.

So.

Today I was shaky.

I still cannot smell lavender or roses without thinking of her. When I was very small, I would sit on the edge of her bed in the morning, watching as she finished getting ready for work. Earrings and scarf. A dab of perfume, flowers.

Much later, I sat on the edge of her hospital bed, showing her earrings I bought at a thrift store, telling her about my day.

Tonight, I smell like roses. Today I wore silver hoops in my ears.

love & peace, mum

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One thought on “happy birthday, mum

  1. tiny lessons blog August 13, 2012 at 9:08 pm Reply

    My mom would have been 81 today. I lost her when she was only 39 and also did not have the opportunity to experience an adult relationship with her. It’s long ago I lost her but still miss her and have been thinking of her today. Take care

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